• Robin W. Stebbins

Looking for Cocaine in the Drywall


Lately, I have been doing some really deep inner work. The more I journey and navigate through life the more I realize how hard, fast and long I had been working for a goal that didn’t exist. It was like I was running an ultra marathon for years, grinding it out, day after grueling day when someone finally tapped me on the the shoulder and tactfully explained there is no finish line. What? Really WTF? Deep inside I knew it, but didn’t want to believe it. Why? Because I love having a goal to work really hard for and achieve. This is the way I went about achieving enlightenment. This way of working towards a non existent finish line is similar to looking for cocaine in the drywall. I’ll explain.

I used to work in a locked psychiatric hospital. I had a really sweet patient that would hide spoons from the dining room and find a hidden location to dig through the wallboard. When asked he would explain in a matter of fact way that there was cocaine hidden somewhere in the drywall and that he would eventually find it. This was of course a fixed delusion he harbored as a result of schizoaffective disorder. Trying to explain to him that no matter how many hours he spent looking there was no chance he would ever find any cocaine, was hopeless. And the same goes for me, trying to work hard, put in extra hours, and get “there” in the process of awakening is futile.

This used to frustrate me to no end, I just wanted something really really difficult to do, accomplish it and check off the box (maybe look around to see if I had done it faster/better/stronger than anyone else so I could also chalk it up as a win, bonus!). But enlightenment doesn’t work like that, not even close. It is a process of allowing what needs to come up and sitting with it until something shifts. There is no timeline or blueprint for the process. And there is not finish line or end.

For me, it has been a process similar to animal tracking. In South Africa I worked with the Shangaan trackers to find a rhino. We would see “hot tracks” beautiful perfect tracks in the loose dry soil and it was a breeze. Then all of a sudden the tracks would go cold. The process would then be to look up, and think like a rhino. What direction would they likely go, where is the food and water sources or other rhinos in the area? This required moving forward without any solid direction. Eventually we would pick up the tracks again and find the rhino.

The same goes for me. I don’t make a move until I feel it in my heart on a soul level. This requires a lot of patience with myself and a lot of waiting. When I want to work really hard at something I’ll go kiteboarding, surfing or find a really intense form of exercise to release the energy. With spiritual growth, I will feel for the next hot track, and wait patiently if the tracks go cold. By waiting I don’t mean curling up on the couch with a 6 pack of PBR hoping something will fall into my lap. Waiting for me is moving forward in the direction that feels the juiciest until I can find the next hot track for my best life.

What are your hot tracks? Once you find them, keep going from hot track to hot track. This is the way to your best most authentic life. The place you will feel the most love, sadness, happiness, everything. Then as you continue, your will begin to notice that you have a career you love, financial freedom, a loving partner, an unbreakable sense of peace deep in your soul. I would love to talk to you more about finding your right life. Call me to schedule a free 20 minute consultation to see how I can best serve you in finding your best life. I promise I won’t have you dig through drywall with a spoon.


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