I Love You, Now Run!
My lasted endeavor is to be impeccable in and with my word. This has made me look deeply inward as I want to embody this completely. No small task so it seems. But it has been a catalyst to lead with my heart in every moment, to speak my truth as cleanly as possible, to not leave anything unsaid.
I may have pulled back with others at times because of my fear of not being enough, then feeling attachment to a desired outcome sneaking in, e.g. "I want you to like me" "I want you to think I'm funny" "look at me! look at me!) I realized that is just a familiar path for me, to hide into being someone another could love, not presenting the person I am, vulnerable and flawed. I have really leaned into this and am being as authentic and as clean as possible in every interaction I have with others. Tough as hell, and the bar keeps getting raised. Every time.
My truth is I have unconditional love for all of you. I recently began dating someone I started to feel deeply for. I really wanted it to work out, I was attached to an outcome. As such I had a horrible 3 days of feeling “graspy”, clingy. needy. And who doesnt' love that in a person. Every action has an alternate and equal reaction..where the only possible reaction for someone in this type of relationship is to run. As well they should, as I have been on the other side of this. But this time I leaned into the feeling, didn't seek for anyone to "fix it". Then I removed self judgement. Not reacting helped me to solidify my desire. So I sat and marinated in my misery for 72 long tic toc hours. And then something magical happened. The feeling released me. I say magical because this has never ever happened to me. Ever. In the past I would just think of 20,000 tasks to literally run from the feeling. When I didn’t, and even more faced it head on and asked it to be a big as it needed I created space for the feeling to shift, to release. I love nothing more than to see others shining on their own path, to witness their truth.
My barometer now goes a little something like this: If they acted in a way that moved away from me or didn’t want a relationship with me or wanted to be with someone else, what would that do to me? My ego would feel the scrapes and bruises I’m sure but I know in my heart I would be happy and ultimately feel joy knowing that this is their love, their path, their truth, their happiness. Isn’t that the point? I don’t want a hostage, if I did I’m sure a few prisoners would love a pen pal and a conjugal visit. And I’d know where they were every night! But no, that’s not what I want, not at all. My path is to be as spiritually clean as possible in the moment, see where my ego is stepping in; attaching to something future or longing for the feelings or moments of the past. It has put me deeply in the moment, feeling the pure potential, not attaching to any outcome. It feels so free. I need nothing from others, no expectations or wanting others to be different to suit my needs or my projections. Part of this is to tell others how I feel, never leave anything left unsaid. So yah, I told the gas station clerk I loved her and gave the UPS guy a bag of chocolate because he is always smiling when I see him and I told him as much. Whatever.
These feelings I have can take some time to clarify and speak. I’m feeling it becoming more natural and flowing, still a lag, but it’s starting to flow and feel more natural. The places I feel the most fear I am leaning in and seeing where the lessons are. I realized that if I want to grow I can’t inoculate myself from the “bad” feelings and expect to be able to feel the "good"
. It numbs me to both, a place I have spent some time. It seems like that is where the growth is, leaning into my anxiety, fear, sadness. Honoring the feelings, not dwelling. I still feel the fear, just as intense as ever but it’s becoming more automatic to jump when at the precise. Fuck it, I want to be in the arena, like a warrior, not a safe bystander. Throwing my heart in every time.